I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
