Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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