He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
