Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
