bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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