Need sex. Gaining weight.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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