Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
