I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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