He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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