Don't you send me to vm
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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