i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
