On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
