Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
