seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
