you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
