just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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