Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
