So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize