I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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