the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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