I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
