Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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