bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
