WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
it was like his penis was on wheels.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
