Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
That accounts for only three of the penises
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
