i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
