I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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