A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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