My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I supernannyed him into submission
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
