I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
