You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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