Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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