tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize