but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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