Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
tell me about the eggs
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
