Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
