so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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