3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Please don't give away my fajitas
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
