We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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