I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
