I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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