My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
