One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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