I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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