And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
