I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
