New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
