In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
not ubering you a puppy
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
