we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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