K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
