know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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