My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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