Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
