i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
