My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
