I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
