The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
