I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
