all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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