Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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