He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
