just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
